“We’re all being lobotomized by this country’s most influential industry, that’s just thrown in the towel on any endeavour to do anything that doesn’t include the courting of 12-year-old boys. Not even the smart 12-year-olds — the stupid ones, the idiots. Of which there are plenty, thanks in no small measure to this network. So why don’t you just change the channel? Turn off your TVs. Do it right now. Go ahead.
They say there’s a struggle between art and commerce. Well, there’s always been a struggle between art and commerce, and now I’m telling you, art is getting its ass kicked, and it’s making us mean, and it’s making us bitchy, it’s making us cheap punks. That’s not who we are. People are having contests to see how much they can be like Donald Trump? We’re eating worms for money. “Who Wants To Screw My Sister?” Guys are getting killed in a war that’s got theme music and a logo.
That remote in your hand is a crack pipe. Oh yeah, every once in a while we pretend to be appalled. It’s pornography, and it’s not even good pornography. They’re just this side of snuff films, and friends, that’s what’s next, ’cause that’s all that’s left.”
– Wes Mendell (Judd Hirsch), Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
I was reminded of that outstanding speech that kicks off Aaron Sorkin’s excellent and tragically short-lived Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip after seeing this year’s Christmas TV lineup. In short, you’ve got soap operas, and a million Christmas specials featuring everything from Peter Andre to the likes of The Only Way Is Essex and Desperate Scousewives. Now I’ve got nothing against Peter Andre persay, I just don’t really see the attraction in watching someone else plan how they’re going to spend Christmas. I’ve got everything against The Only Way Is Essex, Desperate Scousewives, Made in Chelsea and all those other utterly uninteresting shows about absolute arseholes of the highest order. And for those who claim to watch ironically, at least be honest enough to admit that you watch this shite because you love it.
And ITV2, I’m sorry, but if you splash the phrase “REEM BIRDS!” across my screen one more time, I’m going to start sending you bricks wrapped in pages from the Oxford English Dictionary. “Reem” is not a word (unless you’re so stuck up your own arse that it’s the only thing you can pronounce due to you having a mouthful of your own colon), and if I mentally correct your spellings, what you’re actually telling me to do is have anal sex with a puffin. Before the watershed.
I don’t want to do that. I’m not even going to point out to you that Essex isn’t a direction and therefore there are far more ways than Essex. Even more still, if you work in 3D.
I’ll be playing videogames this year, revisiting some of the games that I’ve missed over the course of the last twelve months. I feel a bit of Lego Pirates of The Caribbean, some apparently cracking Xbox Live Arcade titles that I’ve overlooked, and maybe Forza Motorsport 4 coming on for starters. Oh, and Puss in Boots for Kinect, as everyone says that it’s great and THQ’s ridiculous “first come, first served” review code request list failed me yet again – despite me replying within five minutes. I’m not surprised though really, given that every review code request from THQ this year has gone the same way. A tip for you THQ: If you don’t want me to ask for review code, don’t email me to tell me to ask for review code.
Merry Christmas to you all (and if you’re offended “for religious reasons” at me wishing you a Merry Christmas, please feel free to go and fornicate with yourself – I’m not telling you that you have to go to church or some shit, am I?) and a happy new year!